It has been months since I have written.

I have come through a time of refinement and growing in the Lord and in my relationship with my husband. This journey of learning to love each other unconditionally is not always a 'cake walk'. This year I have realized a lot about me. I was reminded that I am responsible for myself, my feelings, my reactions. I was reminded that I should be loving my spouse the way that the Lord loves me and loves him. When I think of how the Lord loves me and how he loves my spouse and that I am supposed to have that same love for my spouse. It did something inside of me. I felt a whole new level of compassion for my husband. A different type of grace. Not to say that he is perfect. He is not. We both needed to do some growing and changing, but the blog is about me. So, it is about my growth.

I hope that I continue to stay on this new path I am on and realize that I will need to make daily choices to stay in this place, emotionally and mentally. I do give myself grace when I make a choice that is not with grace and compassion. I pray that I catch these moments and go to the Lord with them.

This is where my head has been the past 6 months! 

But this is not what I really wanted to write about today!


Peace, Restoration, and Direction

During the years of my abuse I believed that I could only be going through the abuse to somehow help others. I clung to this belief! This was my lifeline.

Since then I have been an open book about that time in my life. Even when some of my family would rather I not be quite so open about it. I have been and will continue to be open about it for many reasons, here are a couple.

1) I believe it has to be talked about for it to ever change.

2) I believe that for some people talking about it-openly to complete strangers would terrify them, for some reason, it doesn’t terrify me…so if it doesn’t scare me, then I think, I am supposed to be strong and talk about it for those that can’t find their voice.

So I have talked about the abuse to anyone that asks about it, or if the topic of conversation is about abuse, I add my experience to the conversation.

But I have felt for years, that this was not enough. That I was supposed to be talking to a larger audience. I have struggled with this. I know that the larger audience is only going to come from the Lord aligning it, and from connection, and roots. When you have a church home, when you have a women’s group, when you have small groups-then there is potential opportunity to share in a larger setting. Most know that we have moved around so much! LOL!! It can be difficult to have ‘roots’ and community when you move.

The second piece of this idea of sharing in larger audiences is what to share! Most of you reading this know me and know that I like to give the long version of stories. :-) 

I have prayed about this and thought on this for the last 3-5 years. God has slowly been developing that the testimony is to be. I don’t think it is complete yet. A few years ago God talked to me about part of this. I did some writing about this in Aug 2013. I believe that my life shows God’s love as ABBA Father. I think too many people don't think of God as loving, as their ABBA Father. I felt God showed me ways that my life exhibits His love for me. 

I have also pondered…what is the point, what would be the climax of my testimony? How would I end the testimony? My life is not over yet and I don’t think God is done revealing Himself to me….so if I was to create a 30 min or 60 min testimony…what would I say, what would be the point? 

Peace
In church this month I had a realization. The point is that although there has been tremendous hurt between my father and myself, I have peace in our relationship now. That it has been restored. I struggled for YEARS!! I love my father, but he was not the ‘father’ I longed for as a child and as a teenager he was very neglectful. Ray-the man that abused me played on this. He would remind me daily that my father didn’t really love me or he would be present in my life. I was so insecure and already hurting, this just added to the pain. Which led to Ray adopting me.

For the following 18-20 years I struggled to have a relationship with my father. We have had periods of time, where I didn’t talk to him. I would write him and try to explain my hurt. But I don’t think he could understand it. I realize that in his own way, he was hurting as well. I struggled because my mother could divorce Ray, but I couldn’t undo the adoption. His name would forever be a part of my life…which means his name is forever a part of my son’s life.

Over the years I would go through seasons of struggling with this and then ignoring it. When pregnant with our son, I had a legal name change to put my name back to the way it was on my original birth certificate. So that on my son’s birth certificate-his mother’s name would be; Shannon Marie-the name I was given at birth. Not the name given to me during the adoption as a teenager.

But I still wasn’t satisfied. I reached out to lawyers, to legal aid, etc. I didn’t really have the money, so I was trying to find out how to go about this myself. No luck. After years, I finally found a lawyer, with the help of my mom. This lawyer said, yes you can fix this, by being re-adopted by my mom and her husband AND my dad and his wife. All four parties would have to be present and sign. It was going to cost a couple thousand dollars.

This is what I had been waiting for. Right?

Let me back up. In order for me to be adopted as a teenager, my father had to agree to sign away his rights as a father. I had a lot of pressure from Ray to do this. I thought the abuse would stop if I gave in and did this. But I prayed my father would say no! I was counting on it! My mom was counting on it.

My dad said, “She has to ask me”. So with trembling and sickness in my stomach I called my dad and asked him. His response, “You will be 18 in a couple of years and would do what you damn well want to do, so if this is what you want, I will sign. But remember, blood is blood, I don’t care what any piece of paper says”.

I was crushed. (Now as an adult, I get it, he was so hurt that I would ask). I just wanted him to say no! I only had 2 more years to deal with Ray, I would be out and get away.

Present. I felt that since my dad signed away his rights he should help pay to fix this. I called him explaining the situation and asked if he would be able to help pay for it with David and I. He said, “No, he didn't have the money".

I was crushed again!

This was about five years ago. I knew that this was a sign. That I couldn’t force this. If it wasn’t important enough to my dad to help pay for it, then somehow I had to accept this.

Over time I realized that this had become a symbol to me. Like if I could get re-adopted that it would make everything better. Of course, this is a lie. If we had done it I still would not have found peace.

I have somehow made peace with the fact that my life-all of it is part of me. I can’t undo any of it. Good or bad, I can’t shield my son from it.

Restoration
So in church this past month, I realized if and when God asks me to share my testimony in a larger setting, that this is the climax. This is the point. That God has made me whole. I am at peace with the adoption, with my dad and with my mom. This doesn’t mean that we have perfect relationships. We don’t. But we have a relationship that I am at peace with.

This morning I was reading Romans 5, this passage really struck a chord with me:

Vs3-5. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us.

I know that I am who I am today because of the abuse I went through as a child. Do I wish it on anyone? No. But I am stronger as a person, in my faith and closer to God because of it. I believe that if it would not have happened, I don’t think I would be with my husband today.

I don’t know if I ‘rejoiced’ in my sufferings…lol, I probably still do too much bellyaching and complaining instead of rejoicing in ‘suffering’ moments. I pray for my heart to be able to show joy in all circumstances. But I can look back and see this scripture in my life. 

Slowly God is giving the direction for when the timing is right to share in larger settings. 

Hope that my words inspire and give you hope!

Many Blessings to you! 

This is the anniversary of one of our wedding celebration dates. I say that because we have three that we acknowledge and today is one of them and it is Palm Sunday. It is sentimental to me. I have been struggling with some things in my life lately. Some issues are health and some are personal.

For many of us who have been in a relationship for more than a few years and I would say more than 10 years could probably agree that you have different phases and seasons in your relationships. In many ways I feel like I am in a season of individual refinement as well as refinement in my relationship, in our relationship roles, how we view each other; how we want to continue growing together.

I am reading a book that was recommended to me by my pastor’s wife, Hold Me Tightly by Dr. Sue Johnson. I am starting to see patterns in me and in my relationships that I need to change-and want to change. Sometimes it is extremely easy to go on “Auto Pilot” in our relationships, especially if you have demanding careers, kids, and lots of change. In my case we have had a lot of major life changes in our relationship and so it can be easy to focus on the most pressing and to just rely on, “We love each other, it will be fine.” I have been reminded during this time of refinement that status quo is not always healthy in relationships. As couples we need to always be growing together and growing as individuals.

This is not always easy. Careers and other responsibilities make it easy to deal with everything else but our most important part of our life. Our relationship with our spouses and most loved ones. It is very easy for either person in the relationship to shy away from the hard topics. Some withdraw, some attack, some run to others to cope, some run to activities-fill up their time/life, etc.

Whatever coping strategy one uses, if it is not to actually confront the situation, the emotion, the feeling in a positive manner: then we are putting barriers up between our loved ones and only hurting the relationship.

It may be tough to deal with your particular issues, they may be painful, may be hurtful, etc., but if not dealt with they will only fester and become bigger and worse later.

I think sometimes many of us don’t want to confront issues in our lives because it can be scary and we feel insecure. It is risky. If I put myself out there, will I be heard? Will I be hurt? Can I trust this person to hear me? It is easy to forget that the other person is most likely feeling the same way! What if they don’t respond and we don’t resolve it? Will we be over? Will we be on a path to the end? Or will we be on a path to healing and lifelong future? So many people are so scared that they won’t face it.

It is a lie to believe that if we don’t face it….that it doesn't exist and therefore we are fine.

I am reminded of the phrase: To risk nothing is to risk everything.

During this season of my life I have been reminded that the Lord is 'my everything' and the only person that can meet my needs and wants in life, no one else. I am reminded that I need to draw closer to the Lord for peace, comfort, security, worth and value. I am reminded that in all things I can only work on me. Change me. Can’t change my family. Can’t change my friends, etc.

My husband and I always say, “Our problems are ‘our’ problems. Even if someone divorces-they take their problems with them to the new relationship.”

So I share to encourage others to be willing to ‘risk’ in order to ‘gain’. As “trite” as this might sound I believe family and marriage are the ultimate testimony as a Christian. I believe that ‘Satan’s’ number one enemy is the institution of family. The ramifications of divorce in families are far reaching in our society-into the “fabric” of our society.

Relationships take work. We have to be willing to invest time into them. So I encourage anyone else who is in a season of refinement in their lives to dig in, face it, and look the wave in the eye and say, “I got you”. Be willing to ask yourself, “What can I do different?” Look inside yourself; be willing to face the ugly, messy truth about yourself. It might be scary. There are lots of things I am seeing in myself and they are disappointing and humbling. But through this there will be growth.

Philippians 1:6:
And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.

Many Blessings,

Shannon

I wrote this on the 10th-and didn't get to posting. 

Feb 10, 2015
Wow! I haven’t written in a long time. I have wanted to. There are a couple of reasons why I haven’t written. One, life has been busy and I haven’t made writing a priority over something else. Two, I have had so many different thoughts about what to write, how to write, where to go next, etc. that I have allowed it stop me from writing.

I suspect that I am not the only person this happens to. How is it that we allow all of the little and big things of life to take over and keep us from doing something that we know is good for us?

If you are like me, January comes so quick after the holidays and a new season starts. Planning for 2015, TAXES…did I say TAXES?, yuck, oh and in our family ski season really gets going. While still trying to fulfill our other responsibilities.

Have you ever started something that you knew you wanted to do, knew it was the right thing for your family, but you didn’t realize how much it was going to affect your family? Yep that is us this past month with ski season. For the first time ever my husband and I also got season tickets. Our son has been skiing for years and gets a season pass yearly. We have wanted to be active, to ski more with him, and make this more of a family thing. So we planned some weekend getaways.

Has anyone of my readers skied? I know I have a couple. If you have been camping-you can relate. You pack –the world with you! We stay in a timeshare so we pack food, clothes, ski equipment, etc.  It is a lot to work, do homeschool, get packed, drive, get there-unpack, get up and ski for 2-3 days, pack, drive, unpack, laundry, put away, homeschool, work, etc. …..So while it is a lot of fun, and we have already improved and our son is in heaven, I have been exhausted! We did two trips in Jan and our son went on a 3rd, with his grandparents.

I realize that maybe –as a reader that you haven’t skied, but you may have other activities that you love, but that you also have a lot of work and organization attached to it.

So how do we do it? I had to make a list and get organized. I also had to make a choice-and not ski ½ day on the day we drive home. We have to read our bodies. I was so wiped out the last couple of weeks that it is reminding me that I have to find balance….if we can actually do that, I don’t know…but I am working towards that.

I need to make sure to schedule a very light day after we get back…and if I can….try to schedule a very light day before we leave as well.

Due to a health issue I have, I have been (probably driving my husband a little crazy) researching Hashimoto’s and Hypothyroidism, which falls into the category of Autoimmune Disease. I have been surprised to learn that many people have it….and that many people may be predisposed to it and it may show up at any time. Self care and Stress –and therefore Stress Management are key factors. Basically, I set myself up. I was probably predisposed to have this-genetically, but a combination of many things probably triggered it. Major Trauma in my life, continual high stressful events, not enough sleep for many years, not enough self care, and …not a surprise for those of you that know me-diet are ALL triggers.

I would highly encourage everyone to take note of how you are doing? What are you doing to take care of you? Can you change some things?

I am just as guilty as everyone else. We all have our excuses…many of them valid! What I am learning –is that eventually it does catch up to us. I am being challenged to think and look at my life a little differently.

Even me just committing and making time for this Blog-is a form of self care for me. And I let it slide.

A little lighter in topic this post, but I figured-I wasn't the only one who has needed the reminder about taking care of ourselves. :-)

Feb 18th
UPDATE:
During the past month I have been trying to be aware of my own health. Taking note of how I feel after eating and sleeping, etc. I am finding that I need to find new ways to let go of stress. Part of it for me -might mean building slower days into my schedule and allowing for more 'downtime'. It will most certainly mean making writing a priority again. My goal was to write a post weekly and I think as a part of my self care, I need to actually do that. 

What do you do for self-care? What could you change to better take care of your physical, mental or emotional health?

Blessings!

Shannon

I have a feeling that I am not the only one to struggle with expectations.

Thought I would share a few areas of expectations that I have had to deal with.

Some of my biggest hurts and painful experiences have come as a result of expectations. Expectations of family, friends, myself and God are the areas that I have got myself into trouble. I felt that I had arrived in self help status when years ago I realized that I had high expectations of others, but that this was okay, since I was not expecting any less from myself! So I was justified in my expectations of others.

I do believe looking back on this assertion of mine, that I was sooo lost. Of course I wasn’t ready at the time to realize that I needed to rethink that entire thought process.

Over the last decade I have truly tried—with a lot of help from God to adjust my expectations. I have reached a place where I am finding it easier-I say easier, not overcome completely. I often catch myself in a situation where my expectations have either got ahead of me or they are about to get me in a bind. So through a lot of trial and error, and more error, I keep adjusting my expectations of myself and turn to acceptance of myself. With more freedom in my own expectations and acceptance I am finding it much more peaceful and easier to adjust my expectations and acceptance of others.

Expectations of Family:
Recently I was thinking about a few situations that had been particularly painful for me and thinking about the future. We have no guarantees in the future and what our relationships will be like. I had a moment of sadness at the thought that I had missed a lot of time with my dad –for example because I had been very hurt about many things and due to those hurts and my inability to deal with them I often just didn’t talk to him.

I do forgive myself for the fact that I coped with this as best I could at the time and I recognize that I can’t undo it. Reality is though, that I could have handled it differently. I spent so much time stuck in my emotions, feeling them, almost wallowing in them, rebelling against reality; I couldn’t change my dad, I couldn’t change the circumstances. No matter how I rebelled or tried. If I would have just accepted him and the circumstances I might have felt peace much sooner and there would have been healing sooner.

Does this mean that I understand everything my dad does? No.Or agree with everything he does or doesn’t do? No. Do I still feel disappointed sometimes? Yes. Do I allow it to fester? No. I let it go. I remind myself that I can’t control him or what he does and to accept reality. Do I protect myself with boundaries? Yes. My concern has now shifted to our son, his grandson. Will he remember to call on his birthday? Would he please just send a card-even with a $5 McD’s gift card in it? Does he do this? Sometimes.

How do I protect myself? I don’t expect him to remember my birthday. I remind my son that grandpa loves him very much but is not very good about the details; that he might or might not remember to call, that he might or might not send a card. (Do I worry that as my son grows he will feel hurt? Yes, a little. I try to remind myself to pray about it and to consistently remind my son of how loved he is by everyone-most of all, by Jesus.)

But, I cannot expect my father to be like my husband. My father has not ever been the father that my husband is to our son. If I held my father to those standards I would not have a relationship with him. And some people do that, they would cut him out. What I found from doing that in the past was just that I still hurt and longed for a relationship with him. I had to learn to try to accept him and to be clearer in our communication. There will be SOME expectations if you are going to have a relationship. If you are planning to meet with someone, you have to pick a place and a time and one has a reasonable expectation that they are going to meet you there. I believe that while I was changing he has grown in small ways that allow us to have a relationship. For this I am grateful.

Expectations of Myself:
Most of my ‘expectations’ have really only come between me and healing. Expectations allowed me to stay in my pain longer.

The holidays can be a harder time for many people. For me, I want things to be nice and special. I want to do it by being frugal not extravagant. Sometimes this means a lot of my time. And sometimes I don’t have a lot of time. A couple of years ago, this came to a boiling point for me. A collision, if you will. And through that holiday season it became clear to me that it doesn’t matter what fixed image or idea I had in my mind, I have to adjust it to meet the reality of the situation. If I don’t, I will have ruined it anyway.

Expectations of Friends:
I am not saying that there aren’t people that you do have to end a relationship with. Recently I went through a situation where we had a strained friendship from over a decade ago. But we had been very close, in fact the wife had stood up for me as a Bridesmaid in my wedding to my husband. We had been in business together. We had some issues with how the husband had done business. Over time we separated from them and the business and moved away and started a whole new life. But over the years I would try to reach out and connect with the wife. Sometimes we might connect briefly. I had held out hope, an expectation that maybe with time the husband would grow and change. So recently I reached out to the husband instead of trying to reach out to the wife. He responded at first, I was so excited. Maybe there had been enough time and healing that I would be able to be friends with the wife again. But then he messaged me again and it became clear that he was very bitter and still upset after over 10 years. I felt so sad! I had not wanted to let go of the idea that I would be able to be friends with the wife again one day. I miss her. I cared for her. I loved her like a sister. I realized this past month that I had to let it go; had to recognize that I should not reach out again. I had to shift my expectation. I had to accept that they apparently were to be a very important part of our lives; but in the past tense. I feel like it was a grieving as if I lost her.

Expectations of God:
This past Sunday at church at the very end during the closing prayer; the man praying shared about a time in his life when he heard God ask him, “Will you still choose me, have joy, if all of your dreams for the future don’t come true?”.

When he said that I heard God say to me, “Will you still choose me if your expectation about ‘this’ is not fulfilled?” Meaning, I had survived my abuse because I believed that God was going to use my life story to help others heal. I have an image in my mind of writing a book and speaking to women’s groups in churches. What if this expectation that my entire life has been based upon was for nothing, never to be? I choked up and tears welled up. I knew in that instant, “Yes” it would be enough to have a relationship with God. That I needed to remember that God is the center of this, that I shouldn’t limit God or paint a picture of how God might use my life to help others. I do believe that this wasn’t a –it is not going to be used, but rather that this was a reminder that I may not always know how God will use it. I may not know who has already been touched, but that I am not really doing it for accolades, but that I am doing this in obedience to God.

Anyone else have to adjust their expectations?

Many Blessing,

Shannon

I have often struggled with letting go of situations and hurts. Watching our children we can learn a lot. I find myself encouraging our son to let go of moments or situation or things or a feeling and watch him struggle with it. It makes me think about how our Heavenly Father must look down at us. I know God must look at me and shake His head while wrapping His arms around me to comfort me. To try to tell me, “It will be ok, just let go.” I suspect that I am not the only person who has struggled with this in life.

For many years I did hold on to my pain; so tightly. Don’t anyone dare to tell me that there was something I could do about it. My pain felt…hard earned. I had a right to my pain. I had a right to feel the way I felt. I wanted help. I thought I wanted to stop hurting. But the moment someone tried to offer the only help that would really help…forgiveness and letting go and acceptance….well…..that is not what I wanted. Really, I wanted to wallow in my self-pity. I wanted for them to listen over and over and over again-and tell me it was ok that I was a victim in the world and that it was ok to feel that everyone had wronged me. That God had wronged me.

Many years ago, when my husband and I were first dating, we traveled to Europe. We were still that phase where we were sometimes awkward with each other. We didn't always know how to say what we meant and often it came out wrong. We got into a huge fight. I was extremely hurt. He didn't mean to hurt me. What he was trying to say-came out all wrong. I can look back now and I understand what he was trying to say. What he actually said –or the way I took it was so hurtful…but the heart of what he was trying to say was good and caring. He was trying to say that I didn't need to hurt anymore; that I could take responsibility for my life, for my feelings, for my actions. He implied that I could have stopped the abuse.

You can see why I would have been so offended. I will say that in technicality I could have stopped the abuse. I could have changed the situation. I was not a little 5 year old being abused. I was 12-17. So should I have been able to stop the abuse, right?

Well if you have never been in an abusive relationship you may not understand the dynamics involved and the psychological aspects that affect those being abused. It was not so cut and dried to me when I was in the situation.

I can look back now and see that it was fear of the ‘what if’ that kept me in that position. It was fear of being separated from my mom. Fear of being put in foster care. Fear of what would happen to me. Or even worse, fear that she wouldn't do anything about it. Which as it turns out is what she did do when I first told her about the abuse. At first she acted on it, but we ended up staying. And the abuse got worse. I emotionally couldn't risk losing her. At least I sort of knew what to expect in the environment that I was in. (For those that would judge my mom-and I too have felt a bit judgment towards her-I would say that you can’t possibly understand the situation that we were living in. And although I don’t condone nor can I explain it-I have forgiven her because I do understand the depths of the abuse and control that we were living in. It is not anyone’s place to judge her.)

At the time that I had this conversation with my husband, I felt hurt, disappointed, attacked, and defensive. It triggered all kinds of shame and doubt. He didn't know that though. He had no frame of reference to understand that. He just wanted me to stop feeling hurt and to stop acting like a victim.

I look back on that day and see now that while he didn't say it correctly there was truth to what he said.

While it is true that I was in a victims emotionally charged, scared situation and that I coped with it the best I could at the time…And I have forgiven myself and give grace to myself….the truth is I could have done something to stop it. I could have trusted God to protect me. I could have stepped out in faith. Again-I give myself tons of grace for how I did and didn't handle it.

Choosing Victim or Survivor is a ongoing part of life. There have been more recent situations in my life in which I have had to continue to re-evaluate my reactions and choices to situations. It is not always easy. Choosing to let go of hurt and pain does not mean that I don’t feel it. I do. Deeply. It just means that after a period of time of allowing myself to feel that pain, that I acknowledge that it is time to let go of the emotion attached to that situation. That I accept that the situation that occurred is part of my life now, that it happened, that at one point I felt a specific way about it. But that I can give that hurt and pain to God and not let it control my emotions and thoughts and actions any longer.

This is something I have to be willing to do on an ongoing basis. We will get hurt by others. It will happen. The question just becomes what I will allow myself to do or feel about it. It is not easy. There are times –in fact there are a couple of situations that have just occurred for me in the past month that I could wallow in. I hurt deeply due to these situations. I have talked about them. I have prayed about them. I hurt again about them. But at some point I have to decide to let it go. What purpose will it serve to hold onto it. If I talk about it one more time…will it change the outcome? No. Will it change that I feel hurt? No. All it will do is to make the pain permanent. I think of cement. I think of the pain in my heart. I picture the pain being cemented in my heart-if I let it. The long term result of that is unhappiness, a hardened heart. A heart that stops hearing God in her life.

Survivor. To be a survivor means letting go. It means being willing to let yourself heal. It means being willing to let yourself be happy again. It means being willing to choose to be happy. It means being willing to make hard choices. Choices that others in your lives may not understand. It means being willing to do what is best for you and not always what is best for others. It means that you have to be willing to not care about what others think of you. It means not letting your emotions control you and realizing that you can control your emotions; you have a choice.

Victim. For a long time I wasn't ready to let go of that label. It took me many years to be willing to let go of that label.

I think of people I know in my life that are in the midst of their own trials. They aren't willing to face the hard truths about their situations or themselves. They are not willing to see that the only way to the ‘light’ on the other side-as cliche as this is- is to be honest with themselves and God. To be willing to find an answer instead of finding all the negative, all of the reasons for why something can’t be or can’t work.

I hurt for them. Because I know how it hurts to be in that place. I want to help them. I want to take the pain and hurt away. I want them to feel God’s love covering them. I want them to allow God in. But I know that just like me; they have to walk this path, I can’t walk it for them. I can’t take it away. Only God can and only when they are willing to let it go.

So what do we do. We pray. We offer a listening ear-even when we don’t really want to hear it all again. :-) We offer a hug. We pray. I am sure many prayed for me.

Survivor. To be a survivor means letting go. It means being willing to let yourself heal. It means being willing to let yourself be happy again. It means being willing to choose to be happy. It means not letting your emotions control you and realizing that you can control your emotions; you have a choice.

I pray that I always will be willing to give my hurts and pain to God. That I will always be willing to let Him hold me and comfort me in my pain and them be willing to hand it to Him. I pray that I always remember that I am a Survivor-not a victim and that in Him am made whole. I pray that I am always willing to let it go.

I would love to hear from you. Thoughts about what I shared. Stories of what God has done in your life.

Blessings,

Shannon

Recently I read a moms question in a Facebook thread about sexual abuse. The comments from other moms in the thread were heartbreaking. I have heard of many various sexual assault statistics. And I have always believed them. But over time, in the back of your mind-or my mind….I start to doubt those numbers….But when I read women’s comments where they briefly share their story, my heart breaks. There were so many of us.

I was curious what are the statistics now? I had researched a lot about this topic 20 years ago, I wondered what are they currently.

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), www.RAINN.org:

• 1 in 6 American women has been the victim on an attempted or completed rape in her life time. 
  

• 9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.
  

 Children:

• 15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12
  

• 29% are age 12-17
  

• 44% are under age 18
  

• Girls 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
  

• 7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said that they have been sexually abused.
  

• 93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker
  

• 34% of attackers were family members
  

• 58% were acquaintances 
  

• Only 7% of perpetrators were strangers to the victims
  

Sourced from RAINN website: https://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims

WOW! The numbers don’t surprise me. They sadden me. These statistics only represent the reported assaults; where the victim got the courage to tell someone. One of my oldest friends told me the summer after our high school graduation that I was the 10th friend to come to her that school year and tell her that they had been sexually assaulted in some way.

That last sentence should touch us. I can’t tell you how much it still makes me ache. I don’t even know who they all were; she only told me one other person’s name. I would love to know how they are now in life. Did they tell other people? Did they get help? Did they just bottle it up? Did they just tell themselves that it didn’t matter? That they didn’t matter? Do they still have contact with the person that hurt them? Have they healed? Can they talk about it without pain? How did they find healing?

In the recent Facebook thread that I read one of the women for the first time-in a closed Facebook thread admitted that she had been assaulted. She has never told. She is afraid that her family wouldn’t support her or believe her. She is a grown women…guessing with children of her own, since this was a homeschool group.

My heart broke for her. It makes me well up now as I am writing. I can’t imagine living most of my adult life and never being free to tell, to talk about it. For me talking about it was a major part of my healing process. In fact if I am in situations where that topic is not welcome, I get upset. I get frustrated with my family on occasion when I feel shushed or told to shut it down or off. (Granted I have been able to talk about it for years…there is more here –but the feeling is still there).

I always wanted and felt that I needed to join or be a part of a support group relating to this topic of sexual assault. But for many reasons that just didn’t happen. I did have lots of therapy over the years and in fact with –at least one great counselor. But he was male. And as wonderful as he is I still felt like he wasn’t going to fully understand –since he hadn’t been a victim.

So here I am. The real reason I wanted to start a blog. I have always believed that I should tell my story of what God has done in my life in spite of my situations. And what I allowed God to do in my life. I believe that I am supposed to keep talking about sexual assault and how it impacts people individually, collectively, in our families, and in our communities. I clung to the belief that God would somehow use what happened to me for His good and to help others. How exactly? I don’t know. I never really knew. I just always answered someone’s questions if they ask. I kind of believed that God was in those moments; that they were divine appointments. I believed that one day I would tell larger groups of people; maybe in churches or women’s groups. But I have been patient. I have been busy with my life; my husband, my son, jobs, moves…life.

Recently, my husband said, “Why are you not doing something about this belief? Why are you not finding a way?” I had to really think about it. As I mentioned last month in my first blog, it was fear.

So I finally started. But I didn’t know how to transition into talking about my past and how God has worked in it. Then I kept seeing topics related to sexual assault in my Facebook threads, then someone I met recently told me about some volunteer work she is doing in helping others and it is sexual assault related. It seems like I just needed a nudge.

I think about sexual assault from two perspectives now: First from my perspective; a survivor of repeated sexual assault as a teenager and secondly as a parent; as a mom, how to raise my son to truly understand what is appropriate, what is abuse and what that really means.

So I want to start with a positive. I live a very blessed life. I have a wonderful loving husband who loves the Lord, his wife and son. I have relationships with my mother, father, brother as well as step parents and in laws. My life is full and growing as a person, a mother, a wife and a child of God.

There were times I wondered if I would ever have those things. There were times I didn’t know if I would ever talk to my mother, father or brother again. There were times when I wondered if I would ever find a good man…let alone someone who loved the Lord. There were times that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have children. There were times I wondered if I would ever stop hurting, if I would ever feel whole, if I would ever feel normal. Not set apart. I always felt different. Would I ever be able to talk about my childhood without bitterness? Would I ever be able to talk about the abuse without bitterness? Would I ever be able to talk about my mom and past hurts without bitterness and pain? Would I ever be able to talk about my dad and past hurts without bitterness and pain?

It has taken over 20 years, but yes I can! To all of those questions.

Does it mean that there are moments that something might creep up again? Yes, of course, on occasion something will and when it does I pray and remember the healing that has come and I can let it go now.

I hope and pray that those of you reading this will find some hope and healing in my sharing and share with others.

Many Blessings,

Shannon

Belief:
It has been a week since my last post and I have pondered and prayed about what to post next. In a way I get scared and excited when I think about posting again. Excited because I really want to do this and scared when I think about what I should share, the timing of what I should share, praying that my words would be God’s words and that they would fall on the right ears.

People have asked me many times over the years, “How did you end up the way you are now? How did you…?” I think they are all usually too polite to say, “How did you not end up a total screw-up or mental case?”

While I feel like it was many factors that contributed; faith and hope in the Lord was the key. I am not sure why but I have always felt and believed that there would be relief from pain, hurt and confusion. Why did I have the faith and belief? I don’t really know. I don’t remember really thinking about it specifically. The only thought I specifically remember thinking as a teenager in the midst of my pain was, “That somehow I would help others who had been hurt similarly”. That was it.

I had read enough books and knew that there were other choices I could have made, other paths I could have chosen. I know friends that have struggled with suicide and for some reason that was never a line of thinking that I stuck with me. So I think that my “hope and faith” in the future came from the simple reality that if I had no hope or faith that life could be different than my current reality –then what would be the point. I think it was, “faith and hope” or nothing at all-suicide. All that to say that I never really gave thoughts of suicide much thought.

Control and Choices:
I am sure that I am not the only person to want to control my environment in the present and the future. I often wonder if had been able to respond to my pain in a different way, if my future would be different. I never really planned to have control issues. Control started in the middle of the pain. I thought in a weird bizarre way that I could control aspects of my situations. Hah! I would even make up these little deals in my mind, “If A occurs or doesn’t occur, then I can do B or feel B”

This is an area of my life that has often been an issue. I have learned that there is an opportunity cost to our choices. I look back to the past and wonder how things would have changed if I hadn’t been afraid then. When I was playing the game of Life with my son tonight I was reminded that when I get posed with a fork in the road of life I want to know what the potential outcomes might be before I have to make the decision. Of course I know that we can’t really know or accurately predict the future. I can evaluate with best and worst case scenarios. At some point I have to act in faith and trust. 

I hope that for anyone else that is in pain or hopelessness, they remember there is always hope for a different future a different path. Just keep putting one step in front of the next in the next positive direction. Some days can feel hopeless with no end in sight, but “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” Lamentations 3:22-23.

Many blessings,

Shannon

Change and Matter. Continuing a theme that I have been reading a lot about and thinking a lot about: Does what we do matter? Whether it is in our jobs, our families, or our friendships...or in our communities, does what we do matter?

I say YES! So why for example did only about 25% of the possible voters -vote?

While I think it can be for many reasons, I do think that it can be narrowed down for most of us to just a couple...or maybe a few. I am sure that I am not the only one who has struggled with, "Why vote?", "My vote won't matter".

I think sometimes we get caught up thinking more individually. Somewhere over time we stop thinking about we-as in our communities or our sphere of influence and just think about our 'lone' self. Not to say that we are being selfish. Just that we have begun living in more isolation. This of course ties into our social media and technology and all of our gadgets, but while we have a couple hundred friends on Facebook we might not have very many we can really connect with.

I kind of knew that my 1 vote or that my husband’s 1 vote, would not necessarily swing the result, but I felt like we needed to vote out of the principle that we have the right to. I also felt like if more of us stepped up and decided that our vote did matter....they would start to matter.

I think somehow this relates to our life and change. I know I do this, I want something to be different in my life and then when it comes time to implement this change, I don't do it. Why?

Well, of course it depends on what the issue was and what doubts and fears it triggers for me. Most often everything stems from insecurities. Why bother, it won't work anyway. Why spend the energy, it won't matter. I feel like often it comes back to those two statements.

The real question is, "Who says", that it won't matter or that it won't work, why bother? And why should we listen to those folks....or in my case...why should I listen to my own thoughts and doubts?

I feel like I am constantly having to remind myself that what I am and what I do and what I say does matter, does impact myself and those around me. And while I am starting to get this for myself and my family, why have I not included our society? Why do most of us think that we can't make a difference in our communities?

Yet we love a feel good movie about this very thing! I think we do want to believe that what we do and say matters. We just need courage to step out and act. Even in simple things like Vote.

I have moved a lot and in the past I let that hinder me from actually getting out there and voting and recently I have felt compelled to vote-no matter the inconvenience.

To me these topics are interrelated. Change and belief that we matter. I think it comes down to hope. If I don't have hope that the future could be different then it is easy to fall back on doubt and fear: to fall back on, "Why bother", "won't matter", etc.

Have hope folks! I know that as long as I continue to look to the Lord and have faith that He is carrying me, it makes it much easier for me to step out and believe.

What are your thoughts? What areas could you step out in? I am taking a huge step in starting this Blog-and I think that there are more leaps coming!

Blessings!

Shannon

I hope to write at least 2 blogs weekly, preferably 3. So it was time to write today! As I thought back over the week and the encouraging responses I have received to starting a blog I realized that there were several things I could write about today. So I might ‘ramble’ a bit. J But for those that know me….well this wouldn't be surprising.

One of my roles is a teacher. I teach our son; we homeschool. It is very difficult to separate-and I am not sure it is possible to separate my role of mom vs. teacher. Sometimes I reflect on my life, my joys and hurts. I think about how I felt when I was the age that my son is now. I think about whom I am now, who my husband is now. I think about all the people we come into contact with: work, friends, etc. I realize that over the past ## years we have come into contact with hundreds, if not, thousands of people. I can only hope that I made positive impacts in others’ lives. This brings me back to my son. The impact I and my husband can have in his life and the potential ripple effects from that impact. Whenever I think on this, which I do often, I am reminded to continue to grow in my own walk with the Lord and to always choose to heal and have hope. I can only pray that my impact is positive and that he will as well.

I feel the enormity of the potential future impact and the magnitude of my ability to influence that future.

Now I am not saying that I have to be perfect or that I would even try to be, but that in my imperfections I hope to show our son healthy ways to deal with those moments.

So this week I had an opportunity to practice growing. My husband and I have a few topics that we have always seen/viewed differently and are often recurring topics of tension for us. (Side note-Family Life Today-the Rainey’s have talked about this very thing. The Rainey’s shared that it is okay that you haven’t ‘resolved’ or ‘converted’ the other spouse to your view, that during those recurring topics-over time, you both learn more about each other and develop deeper understanding for each other…and maybe even over time those topics may become less contentious but that it is ok to accept that this is part of the journey we are on as life partners.) My personality is such that it is hard for me to ‘let go’ of topics unless I think there is some sort of resolution. I have been learning to ‘let go’ of this view. To trust that a marriage is not doomed to fail if you have differing opinions (obviously I am not talking about ‘deal breakers’). So I was presented with that opportunity to grow through the moment. To hear another perspective, to take the time to pray and ask that God would continue to reveal to me if there is room for me to change there, AND to help me do it, since I don’t know how to. Now I wait, trust and prepare my mind for the next occasion when I could be drawn into a path of thinking that may not be healthy and STOP myself. Plan in advance what positive thought I can replace the unhealthy thought with.

I know that this might seem kind of minor, but I am constantly reminded that we can control our thoughts and reactions. We can decide if we are going to stay in the emotion and for how long. When I remember this, I am far happier. 

Although, I may write about current things in my life, I will also be specifically writing about my past. God has brought me through some incredible experiences and into wholeness. Part of what kept me sane and close to God during those trying times was the belief that I would one day be able to help others by sharing my experiences. This has always been a burden on my heart. 

I know it can appear self-serving, I mean we all think that we should write a book, right? And truth is that we all have special lives and God is working in all of our lives. But not everyone feels called to share it. In my case, it is sensitive, and most don’t ever share about the type of experiences that I went through. Most don’t want to hear about it. I feel strongly that it needs to be talked about for the protection of our children, boys and girls!

(Obviously, since this is a public forum I will still be web appropriate. :-) )

I wanted to share this, because over the years when I have shared with someone one on one or in a small group, I sensed that someone would be uncomfortable. Now this could be just because they were a private person, it could be because they knew someone who had similar experiences, it could be because they themselves had similar experiences and have never talked about it….or they did talk about it and were shut down/hurt by the response. I recently also realized that it could be for another reason…They don’t know how to respond. They don’t know what I –as the person sharing expected of them.

So I will put it out there…people all have different expectations of responses. Some want sympathy, some want hugs, some want people to get angry for them. In my case, I am past all of those phases; I want others to see hope and light and the beauty and grace and love of God. I want them to see that through all situations we can turn to God and He will carry us. So in a weird way, I don’t feel like it is about me, but about sharing what God did and what He can continue to do in others’ lives. I hope that by my sharing others will feel free to share, that others will feel/decide to talk to their sons and daughters, that if a person is hurting that they will get help and turn to God for the same Hope that I had.

Much love and blessings,

Shannon

Being Brave. I have always thought of myself as a strong person. Brave. The kind of person who will take on the world. Courageous. Not fearful. Never as someone who would let fear stop me. 

But recently I realized that I was letting "Fear" stop me. I had a lot of valid reasons for not doing something that I have always professed as being important to me. Something that was part of "what I believed was a purpose for my life". While all of my reasons were and are valid. Ultimately they boiled down to fear and lack of trust in God and others. 

The thought of 'facing' these fears is actually a little...no a lot...scary for me. But I had several different situations in the last month confirm or convict me.....that it is time to face these fears and trust others and God. 

This is the first blog post of my journey of life, hope, peace and happiness. 

I have felt for over 20 years that I was to share some things from my life and how God carried me through them and through life and brought me to healing...over and over again. 

I am not sure how it will evolve or what I will feel called to share. Often the topics could be sensitive and controversial in the sense that many will have differing opinions about the choices made by those involved in my life and with the choices I made as well. I realize that all of us have had situations where we made choices we look back on and we wonder about them or know they were wrong. I think that sometimes life is more complex than that. A choice might be wrong in many ways but that choice, that situation that you experienced -uniquely shaped you and your future choices, they are all interwoven. 

So I have learned-and am still learning to grant myself grace and forgiveness as God would. I try to see myself through God's eyes. How would God look at me in those moments of fear, doubt, hopelessness, and insecurity? 

I hope that my experiences would bring hope, peace and healing to others.
Thanks for reading :-)
Shannon