I have a feeling that I am not the only one to struggle with expectations.

Thought I would share a few areas of expectations that I have had to deal with.

Some of my biggest hurts and painful experiences have come as a result of expectations. Expectations of family, friends, myself and God are the areas that I have got myself into trouble. I felt that I had arrived in self help status when years ago I realized that I had high expectations of others, but that this was okay, since I was not expecting any less from myself! So I was justified in my expectations of others.

I do believe looking back on this assertion of mine, that I was sooo lost. Of course I wasn’t ready at the time to realize that I needed to rethink that entire thought process.

Over the last decade I have truly tried—with a lot of help from God to adjust my expectations. I have reached a place where I am finding it easier-I say easier, not overcome completely. I often catch myself in a situation where my expectations have either got ahead of me or they are about to get me in a bind. So through a lot of trial and error, and more error, I keep adjusting my expectations of myself and turn to acceptance of myself. With more freedom in my own expectations and acceptance I am finding it much more peaceful and easier to adjust my expectations and acceptance of others.

Expectations of Family:
Recently I was thinking about a few situations that had been particularly painful for me and thinking about the future. We have no guarantees in the future and what our relationships will be like. I had a moment of sadness at the thought that I had missed a lot of time with my dad –for example because I had been very hurt about many things and due to those hurts and my inability to deal with them I often just didn’t talk to him.

I do forgive myself for the fact that I coped with this as best I could at the time and I recognize that I can’t undo it. Reality is though, that I could have handled it differently. I spent so much time stuck in my emotions, feeling them, almost wallowing in them, rebelling against reality; I couldn’t change my dad, I couldn’t change the circumstances. No matter how I rebelled or tried. If I would have just accepted him and the circumstances I might have felt peace much sooner and there would have been healing sooner.

Does this mean that I understand everything my dad does? No.Or agree with everything he does or doesn’t do? No. Do I still feel disappointed sometimes? Yes. Do I allow it to fester? No. I let it go. I remind myself that I can’t control him or what he does and to accept reality. Do I protect myself with boundaries? Yes. My concern has now shifted to our son, his grandson. Will he remember to call on his birthday? Would he please just send a card-even with a $5 McD’s gift card in it? Does he do this? Sometimes.

How do I protect myself? I don’t expect him to remember my birthday. I remind my son that grandpa loves him very much but is not very good about the details; that he might or might not remember to call, that he might or might not send a card. (Do I worry that as my son grows he will feel hurt? Yes, a little. I try to remind myself to pray about it and to consistently remind my son of how loved he is by everyone-most of all, by Jesus.)

But, I cannot expect my father to be like my husband. My father has not ever been the father that my husband is to our son. If I held my father to those standards I would not have a relationship with him. And some people do that, they would cut him out. What I found from doing that in the past was just that I still hurt and longed for a relationship with him. I had to learn to try to accept him and to be clearer in our communication. There will be SOME expectations if you are going to have a relationship. If you are planning to meet with someone, you have to pick a place and a time and one has a reasonable expectation that they are going to meet you there. I believe that while I was changing he has grown in small ways that allow us to have a relationship. For this I am grateful.

Expectations of Myself:
Most of my ‘expectations’ have really only come between me and healing. Expectations allowed me to stay in my pain longer.

The holidays can be a harder time for many people. For me, I want things to be nice and special. I want to do it by being frugal not extravagant. Sometimes this means a lot of my time. And sometimes I don’t have a lot of time. A couple of years ago, this came to a boiling point for me. A collision, if you will. And through that holiday season it became clear to me that it doesn’t matter what fixed image or idea I had in my mind, I have to adjust it to meet the reality of the situation. If I don’t, I will have ruined it anyway.

Expectations of Friends:
I am not saying that there aren’t people that you do have to end a relationship with. Recently I went through a situation where we had a strained friendship from over a decade ago. But we had been very close, in fact the wife had stood up for me as a Bridesmaid in my wedding to my husband. We had been in business together. We had some issues with how the husband had done business. Over time we separated from them and the business and moved away and started a whole new life. But over the years I would try to reach out and connect with the wife. Sometimes we might connect briefly. I had held out hope, an expectation that maybe with time the husband would grow and change. So recently I reached out to the husband instead of trying to reach out to the wife. He responded at first, I was so excited. Maybe there had been enough time and healing that I would be able to be friends with the wife again. But then he messaged me again and it became clear that he was very bitter and still upset after over 10 years. I felt so sad! I had not wanted to let go of the idea that I would be able to be friends with the wife again one day. I miss her. I cared for her. I loved her like a sister. I realized this past month that I had to let it go; had to recognize that I should not reach out again. I had to shift my expectation. I had to accept that they apparently were to be a very important part of our lives; but in the past tense. I feel like it was a grieving as if I lost her.

Expectations of God:
This past Sunday at church at the very end during the closing prayer; the man praying shared about a time in his life when he heard God ask him, “Will you still choose me, have joy, if all of your dreams for the future don’t come true?”.

When he said that I heard God say to me, “Will you still choose me if your expectation about ‘this’ is not fulfilled?” Meaning, I had survived my abuse because I believed that God was going to use my life story to help others heal. I have an image in my mind of writing a book and speaking to women’s groups in churches. What if this expectation that my entire life has been based upon was for nothing, never to be? I choked up and tears welled up. I knew in that instant, “Yes” it would be enough to have a relationship with God. That I needed to remember that God is the center of this, that I shouldn’t limit God or paint a picture of how God might use my life to help others. I do believe that this wasn’t a –it is not going to be used, but rather that this was a reminder that I may not always know how God will use it. I may not know who has already been touched, but that I am not really doing it for accolades, but that I am doing this in obedience to God.

Anyone else have to adjust their expectations?

Many Blessing,

Shannon

I have often struggled with letting go of situations and hurts. Watching our children we can learn a lot. I find myself encouraging our son to let go of moments or situation or things or a feeling and watch him struggle with it. It makes me think about how our Heavenly Father must look down at us. I know God must look at me and shake His head while wrapping His arms around me to comfort me. To try to tell me, “It will be ok, just let go.” I suspect that I am not the only person who has struggled with this in life.

For many years I did hold on to my pain; so tightly. Don’t anyone dare to tell me that there was something I could do about it. My pain felt…hard earned. I had a right to my pain. I had a right to feel the way I felt. I wanted help. I thought I wanted to stop hurting. But the moment someone tried to offer the only help that would really help…forgiveness and letting go and acceptance….well…..that is not what I wanted. Really, I wanted to wallow in my self-pity. I wanted for them to listen over and over and over again-and tell me it was ok that I was a victim in the world and that it was ok to feel that everyone had wronged me. That God had wronged me.

Many years ago, when my husband and I were first dating, we traveled to Europe. We were still that phase where we were sometimes awkward with each other. We didn't always know how to say what we meant and often it came out wrong. We got into a huge fight. I was extremely hurt. He didn't mean to hurt me. What he was trying to say-came out all wrong. I can look back now and I understand what he was trying to say. What he actually said –or the way I took it was so hurtful…but the heart of what he was trying to say was good and caring. He was trying to say that I didn't need to hurt anymore; that I could take responsibility for my life, for my feelings, for my actions. He implied that I could have stopped the abuse.

You can see why I would have been so offended. I will say that in technicality I could have stopped the abuse. I could have changed the situation. I was not a little 5 year old being abused. I was 12-17. So should I have been able to stop the abuse, right?

Well if you have never been in an abusive relationship you may not understand the dynamics involved and the psychological aspects that affect those being abused. It was not so cut and dried to me when I was in the situation.

I can look back now and see that it was fear of the ‘what if’ that kept me in that position. It was fear of being separated from my mom. Fear of being put in foster care. Fear of what would happen to me. Or even worse, fear that she wouldn't do anything about it. Which as it turns out is what she did do when I first told her about the abuse. At first she acted on it, but we ended up staying. And the abuse got worse. I emotionally couldn't risk losing her. At least I sort of knew what to expect in the environment that I was in. (For those that would judge my mom-and I too have felt a bit judgment towards her-I would say that you can’t possibly understand the situation that we were living in. And although I don’t condone nor can I explain it-I have forgiven her because I do understand the depths of the abuse and control that we were living in. It is not anyone’s place to judge her.)

At the time that I had this conversation with my husband, I felt hurt, disappointed, attacked, and defensive. It triggered all kinds of shame and doubt. He didn't know that though. He had no frame of reference to understand that. He just wanted me to stop feeling hurt and to stop acting like a victim.

I look back on that day and see now that while he didn't say it correctly there was truth to what he said.

While it is true that I was in a victims emotionally charged, scared situation and that I coped with it the best I could at the time…And I have forgiven myself and give grace to myself….the truth is I could have done something to stop it. I could have trusted God to protect me. I could have stepped out in faith. Again-I give myself tons of grace for how I did and didn't handle it.

Choosing Victim or Survivor is a ongoing part of life. There have been more recent situations in my life in which I have had to continue to re-evaluate my reactions and choices to situations. It is not always easy. Choosing to let go of hurt and pain does not mean that I don’t feel it. I do. Deeply. It just means that after a period of time of allowing myself to feel that pain, that I acknowledge that it is time to let go of the emotion attached to that situation. That I accept that the situation that occurred is part of my life now, that it happened, that at one point I felt a specific way about it. But that I can give that hurt and pain to God and not let it control my emotions and thoughts and actions any longer.

This is something I have to be willing to do on an ongoing basis. We will get hurt by others. It will happen. The question just becomes what I will allow myself to do or feel about it. It is not easy. There are times –in fact there are a couple of situations that have just occurred for me in the past month that I could wallow in. I hurt deeply due to these situations. I have talked about them. I have prayed about them. I hurt again about them. But at some point I have to decide to let it go. What purpose will it serve to hold onto it. If I talk about it one more time…will it change the outcome? No. Will it change that I feel hurt? No. All it will do is to make the pain permanent. I think of cement. I think of the pain in my heart. I picture the pain being cemented in my heart-if I let it. The long term result of that is unhappiness, a hardened heart. A heart that stops hearing God in her life.

Survivor. To be a survivor means letting go. It means being willing to let yourself heal. It means being willing to let yourself be happy again. It means being willing to choose to be happy. It means being willing to make hard choices. Choices that others in your lives may not understand. It means being willing to do what is best for you and not always what is best for others. It means that you have to be willing to not care about what others think of you. It means not letting your emotions control you and realizing that you can control your emotions; you have a choice.

Victim. For a long time I wasn't ready to let go of that label. It took me many years to be willing to let go of that label.

I think of people I know in my life that are in the midst of their own trials. They aren't willing to face the hard truths about their situations or themselves. They are not willing to see that the only way to the ‘light’ on the other side-as cliche as this is- is to be honest with themselves and God. To be willing to find an answer instead of finding all the negative, all of the reasons for why something can’t be or can’t work.

I hurt for them. Because I know how it hurts to be in that place. I want to help them. I want to take the pain and hurt away. I want them to feel God’s love covering them. I want them to allow God in. But I know that just like me; they have to walk this path, I can’t walk it for them. I can’t take it away. Only God can and only when they are willing to let it go.

So what do we do. We pray. We offer a listening ear-even when we don’t really want to hear it all again. :-) We offer a hug. We pray. I am sure many prayed for me.

Survivor. To be a survivor means letting go. It means being willing to let yourself heal. It means being willing to let yourself be happy again. It means being willing to choose to be happy. It means not letting your emotions control you and realizing that you can control your emotions; you have a choice.

I pray that I always will be willing to give my hurts and pain to God. That I will always be willing to let Him hold me and comfort me in my pain and them be willing to hand it to Him. I pray that I always remember that I am a Survivor-not a victim and that in Him am made whole. I pray that I am always willing to let it go.

I would love to hear from you. Thoughts about what I shared. Stories of what God has done in your life.

Blessings,

Shannon